Monday, December 31, 2012

Happy New Year!

I LOVE the New Year! It is always so promising and full of energy for me.

I remember last year how I was so excited for 2012. I knew in my heart that 2012 would be such a wonderful year for my little family. I knew that in 2012 that my sweet little baby would be coming home. Day 1 of 2012, I walked with a pep in my step knowing that this year would be the best year that we have ever had together.

I know that I became a mother the day that we conceived Walker. I knew that at all my appointments that I was a mother to a growing baby inside of me.  I knew when we were registering and picking out things that I was his mother. When I found out that he was a boy, I knew I was a mother to a son. When we decided to name him Walker, I knew I was now Walker's mom. The day of delivery I had to make decisions, along with R, that made me realize that I was a mother. I served as his advocate and decision maker during those early moments when I hoped that God would guide me in the right direction on where to go. I knew I was a mother...

But all those long days and nights in the NICU and leaving without a baby in my arms did not make me feel like a mother. I went home, I slept through the night, I stayed up all night willingly, I had alone time with my husband, I went out on the town...In those moments, I did not feel like a mother. I felt guilty. Even the times I spent most of my day pumping on the couch, the idea of motherhood was far from my mind. I was not a mother. My baby was not with me. I had no clue what my baby was doing at exact moments of the day. What face was he making? Was he thinking of me? Was he wondering why I wasn't at the hospital when he was awake? Did he like me? Did he love me? More importantly, did he even distinguish a difference between nurses and his own Mother? Could he feel my love?

I've always been a person to over analyze situations and these questions were constantly going through my head. Some mornings and nights I could not take it and would jump up and get dressed in whatever clothes I could find, engorged to the point that I felt like I would burst at any moment, and drive as fast as I could to my baby. Just seeing him sleeping in his isolette or crib would rest my worries for the moment. I would head to the milk bank and release myself and most days let a few tears shed. Spending 6 months going back and forth to a hospital really took its toll on us. Every day, same routine, same faces, same nights spent driving home in silence just the two of us choking back tears. Because leaving your baby night after night and day after day is the most gut wrenching task to do.

When would this cycle end? When would Walker be home in his own bed? With his mommy, daddy and dogs? Would he even like his own home? Would it be too quiet for him? Would he miss the nurses? Would he be homesick for his "other" home? His hospital home?

When the New Year came I felt this sense of relief. This was the year that I would become a mother. I would wake up to a crying baby; I would only half sleep because he could make a noise that I wouldn't hear; I would witness my husband becoming the father we had dreamed about for many months; I would multitask with a baby in my arms; I would finally have a baby to show the world that I was mother and not some picture or story.

There were some dark moments in 2012 but we made it through them by the grace of God. 2012 was a year that filled our hearts with hope and love and our faith was restored. I think we came closer to God in this year than ever in our lives before. 2012 has been a fantastic year and we are sad to see it go. Some of our best memories, so far, were this year.

We can not wait to see what 2013 has in store for us. We have plans to sell our home and move to our forever home. Making another Emery is on the list, hopefully, somewhere in 2013. Enjoying every moment we have with one another as well as our family and friends. Celebrate our 4 year wedding anniversary. Taking a trip and getting healthy. Watching Walker grow and learn and become the little boy he is already becoming. But most importantly sharing every minute we have with one another and showing and giving love.

Happy New Year! May you be as blessed as we have been.

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