Sunday, September 29, 2013

Here we go!

FINALLY talked to my doctor almost 4 weeks to the day that I had the ultrasound. I really my OB, I really like the office and the people that I have spoke with. I dislike the time period that I have to wait to hear back from him. This is why I was so hesitant to go with a big wig in the Med Center, but everything will be okay.

Thursday, August 29
- I had to take a pregnancy test to make sure that I was not currently pregnant. It was stark white and I made the phone call into the office. A couple hours later the pharmacy called to let me know that Clomid is not covered by our insurance. Awesome. I hate our new insurance. There are few to none plants that don't cover infertility treatments. That's a whole other story.

Pick up the meds and decide to wait until the nurse calls back and gives me the instructions. Even though this isn't our first rodeo with the meds, I wanted to make sure that he didn't have other instructions. The first set of pills are Provera and will kick start my cycle. 7 little pills. Shouldn't be so bad, right?

 I took my first pill that day. By the night time and early morning I was having some major stomach issues.

Before I went to bed and in the midst of saying my night time prayers, I really felt God's presence. You have all these doubts and all these hopeful feelings about the journey you are about to embark on. Being that this is our second time and we know what to expect makes it a little familiar but then also you have mixed feelings about this new journey.

I just laid there, talking in my head to Jesus about what was about to happen. I've had these moments before. Every time we came to a hurdle with Walker I would pour my heart out to God and I could feel the most unbelievable calmness come over my body and I knew that every thing was going to be okay. That was exactly how I felt tonight. It may not work the first time, but we will be okay. It just means that God has another plan for us and the timing isn't right.

Friday, August 30:
- Pill #2. Stomach was still hurting but we had a busy day for us. We went to sign Walker up for Mother's Day Out, school shopping, and picking up everything we need to get Walker ready for MDO. It was hot. I was hot. Moody like a mother...

That night I was exhausted. I had a horrible migraine, I was extremely tired and my stomach was still hurting. R made the comment, "I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this just to have a baby. I hate how you have every side effect from medicines".

Saturday, August 31:
- Pill #3. Lots of crying. Lots of arguing. I'm a straight nut case at this point. These pills are the worst because they make you into this She-Devil. I called my sister and told her I was depressed because I'm being mean to my family but it's not me. Hormones. They're a bitch.

Sunday, September 1:
- Pill #4. Oh the bloat. My stomach is bloated, my hands and feet are swollen. I've stayed away from sodas and haven't had an appetite lately. There's is not one thing I could think of that I want to do other than sleep!

Monday, September 2:
- Pill #5. I'm tired but get up to spend the day with my family. It was a pretty lazy day with very minimal side effects besides the bloating. I'm falling asleep at the drop of a hat.

Tuesday, September 3:
- Pill #6. My mood is swinging like a monkey on tree! I'm so, so, so tired. 1 more day, 1 more pill. Increased trips to the bathroom.

I swear, waiting for your cycle to start makes being patient very hard. You feel your body gearing up. You have all the signs. This headache will be the headache that my cycle shows up. And then it's not. Stupid headache. Then you have another headache and tell yourself, "it's just another headache" and then you see the start of it.

Monday, September 9:
- Doing my nightly routine and BAM! Very, very light spotting. I tell myself that it will definitely be CD1 tomorrow. (CD= cycle day)

Tuesday, September 10:
- Throughout the whole day I kept playing the "is it for real or just spotting?". I went on Dr. Google and googled so many ridiculous things. By dinner time it was apparent that my cycle had started. Don't mind the text I sent to R saying it wasn't working before the bathroom trip that confirmed that today was CD1.

Wednesday, September 11:
- I have had so much going through my head today. All the "what if it doesn't work this time?".

Those are other magic pills I will taking this week. As soon as my hormones have calmed down a bit from the Provera, I'm bringing them swinging again!

Saturday, September 14:
- Clomid, 50mg, Day 1. I'm excited!

Sunday, September 15:
- Day 2. Hot flashes are crazy! You can feel the heat radiating through my hands and feet. My stomach is killing me. I had a crazy headache and headed to my parent's house for rest and relaxation while my parents watched Walker.

Monday, September 16:
- Day 3. I'm still hot. I'm so tired that we were running late getting out the door for MDO. I almost lost my cool with a lady while getting Walker's birth certificate. If your job is working with people you need to be friendly and drop the attitude.

Tuesday, September 17:
- Day 4. Today was a really trying day. Walker was thrown off his schedule and he was a wild beast! Really second guessed my desire to stay at home. I have to remind myself that we both are going through phases right now. Clomid makes you crazy. Trust me. Don't? Ask someone who has taken it.

Wednesday, September 18:
-Day 5. FINAL PILL! I feel hopeful. I feel better than I have the past couple of days, that's for sure. Walker and I both got a full nights rest and we are back to being our stay at home buddies! I love that baby. My doctor has suggested testing from CD12-20, which would be from September 21-29.

Looks like we out for this month. Today is CD20 and the last day for a + on the OPK strips. I'm so bummed. We, we're so bummed. I've been a crying mess. CD19 is when I got the + for Walker and I just kind of held on to hope that it would happen yesterday. But it didn't. My hopeful self is still thinking maybe, possibly, something is happening right now and I'll get + strip tonight.

I thought a while about posting a super sad post but then I realized that there's someone out there googling about stories and they shouldn't always find the happy ones. I sent an email to my doctor asking what the next step is and I hope to get a call tomorrow.

I am just so sad. I'm sad that my body doesn't work the way it is intended to and even though I know it isn't, I just feel the worst thinking that it's my "problem" or my "fault". R is the best and just listens and calms me. He reminds me, "it's all in God's timing".

(And if you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about you have to get a + on an OPK that detects an LH surge which means an egg is in release mode. Then you have sex and pray in two weeks you'll get a + on a pregnancy test.)

So after speaking with a fellow PCOSer, I decided to give myself a little more time before throwing in the towel. Every day I would wake up with high hopes of getting that positive but it hasn't happened and today is CD24.  I cried every day. After every test. R didn't know what to do with me because I don't act like this. I was literally falling to pieces.

Last night I told myself that tomorrow I have to pick myself up and just move on. All those tears aren't going to make anything happen and they sure as hell aren't going to make a test strip turn positive. So today when I woke up I decided that it's a new start and I have to accept the cards that I've been dealt.

I'm waiting a call back from my doctor on the next step. It takes a lot to get this body working properly and I have decide if I want to start every thing up again or take a break and wait for the start of the new year. I had already told myself that I would take the month of November off because I'm not fond of an August birthday. Decisions, decisions.

Here's a glimpse of a few of my tests.
They look positive, don't they? Yeah, well, you can't almost 60 positive OPKs. Yeah that's right. Kimmy sent me 47 Wondfo's and then I went out and bought 20 more strips. Obsessed. 

Saturday, September 21, 2013


Wow! 52,000 views! I bet you viewers are wondering what's going on with us? :) you'll just have to wait and see! 

Saturday, September 14, 2013

Walker ALERT! Walker ALERT!

Our lives have been busy lately. Walker is doing great! He is getting so big and changing and growing every day.

We decided to enroll Walker in a local Mother's Day Out program. He was getting bored at home and the kid-to-kid interaction was not enough for him.
Aren't these Skip Hop backpacks so cute?!


Super excited!
He is doing really well at MDO. He was not sad about leaving in those pictures, he was upset that R took the dogs for a walk and didn't take him. All his teachers love him at MDO. Mrs. T told me yesterday, "You know, I've just been thinking about Walker. He is just such a sweet little boy". Doesn't that just make you so happy? Because it makes us. There was an incident on the playground last week where Walker had some mulch fall in his hair and then they think some other kiddies might have put some in there. So now Walker doesn't like going to the playground. Isn't that so funny?!

 Of course Walker and Adam are inseparable. Best friends forever!

R had cut back on his overtime hours at work and spent every weekend home with us during August. Walker and I enjoyed every weekend with him. He has really started liking his chair that Uncle Pat got him for his birthday last year.
Monday Night Football!
We're about to start Walker's yearly checkups. I can't believe it is time again for all of this. How is my little bird already turning 2!!