Days 20-24

Day 20: November 17, 2011- Today is World Prematurity Awareness Day and we are SO very thankful for our little bird!Walker's PDA is back, well it's always been there. It's still moderate though. Mommy and Daddy had to make a decision and by the end of the night, Mommy was a mess. I know in my heart that it is the right decision but then the second guesses started filling my mind. Thank God for R because he held me and said, "Someone made you come up with that answer. You can't second guess that.".

Looking around the NICU, you are just filled with this feeling that can't be describe. You see babies that come in that are the same age, lower weight and they progress faster. I look at Walker and tell him he'll be there before he knows it. And then it seems like another set back comes up. Everyone has their breaking points and last night I had one. I'm so happy for the feeder-growers because this is only a minor set back for them. I'm jealous of them because they can open that plastic box and hold their baby whenever they want. It is SO VERY hard to only be able to touch your baby through these little arm holes and place your big hands on different little parts of his body. I'm ready to hold Walker and feel him close, have his natural smell on me and feel him move.

Today would have been my last four week appointment and we would have switched to every two weeks. I frequently mourn the loss of my pregnancy, it was amazing. As happy that I am that Walker is here, I wish more that he was still in inside, growing and developing like he should be. 

Day 21: November 18, 2011- Happy 3 Week Birthday Walker! Walker's ventilator settings have gone up...to 40. Mommy knows there's a reason for God to make this little guy a fighter, but I wish he could have a little down time. I don't like hearing, "Well he's got things stacked against him. He's white and he's a boy.". How is that comforting? You have stopped taking to your feedings. 2cc have been taken out and put back in, I believe 3 times. The arterial line was removed because it wasn't working that well anymore. The arterial line is where they take Walker's blood instead of doing so many heel pricks.

My sweet boy...you are trying so hard and we are so proud. No one could ever love you more.

Look at my cheeks!

These were my pregnancy stickers.

Day 22: November 19, 2011- Well, someone is a BIG boy! Today Walker extubated himself with a swift, but very strong, head turn. He is now on a  CPAP that is providing a little extra help. We are trying this. It may work, it may not. That's okay. Walker will let us know what he wants. We didn't take any pictures of you and barely touched you so you could grow at your own rate with no stimulation from us. You are also up to 2cc on your feeds.



Day 23: November 20, 2011- Well, Walker went back on the vent this morning. Thankfully his BPM is 25 and steady. He was having a lot of A's & B's that were taking too long to get him back to where he needed to be. He was working too hard. Pedro, your respiratory therapist, said you were working so hard and now you are taking a break. Pedro is Mommy and Daddy's favorite. He's always uplifting, he's a preemie dad himself and understands what we are going through. Yesterday when Mommy was crying away from your bed, Pedro brought Daddy a box of tissues and said, "It's a hard day. It's a hard decision". No matter what, Pedro is so optimistic and happy all the time. We know you are in good hands when he is around. Today, we also learned that they have upped your feeds to 3cc every 3 hours. I think that's a little fast, but we're trying to put some weight on you.

"Daddy's here! WOOOO!"

Out like a light.

Walker crying..So sad..

Day 24: November 21, 2011- The same for Walker today. Vent settings are the same...BPM are at 25. We learned they've upped his feedings to 6 cc. Whoa! Trying to get this boy big FAST! Tonight Mommy and Daddy really began thinking about transferring you to a bigger hospital. Making decisions for you is very hard on our hearts. We think about them constantly and second guess if it's the right thing to do. We just want the very best for you. Mommy didn't take any pictures tonight. I could care less for your nurse and her face was annoying both Mommy and Daddy. Aunt Julie took this picture of you.

Hanging out in my incubator staring at the ceiling.