Sunday, September 2, 2012

So many emotions

Lately I have slacked in my blogging because I've been filled with so many emotions. I think one flaw in myself is that I remember every thing. I mean, e v e r  y t h i n g. I've actually found in the past couple of years this has been a double edged sword for me. I can remember all the good, fun, happy memories and then I can remember things that anyone would like to tuck far, far, away.

With Walker's first birthday approaching at a very fast pace, I am struck with emotions of last year. I am going through every emotion and talking them through with R, but it is hard.

Take for instance today in the car. The day was great. R let me sleep in, he took care of Walker and surprised me with toys I had talked about buying him recently. We were happily on our way to the mall when he brought up a text message conversation he had with our friend. It went something like this:
R: "He said "I know, my bad"...
ME: "Did he say why?"
R: "And then I got a text a few minutes later that said "I'm not going to lie, J made me take pictures"".
H: "Wow. That hurt. That hurt bad"
R: "What hurt?"

The conversation was about what I am assuming was taking maternity pictures. I started crying. My husband felt awful. It was no one's fault.

I am a planner. I had my whole pregnancy planned out in my head. I had planned for our maternity pictures, what we would wear, what the holidays would look like for us.  And it hurt likes hell knowing I was gypped out of my picture perfect pregnancy experience. My husband was quick to point out that our healthy baby was in the car. He kept repeating, "Look at him. Look at him looking at me like "Why is this guy pointing at me?"".

And he is right. Walker is here. He is healthy.

But there is so much more to that than meets the eye. Since I went into preterm labor (PTL) I am at higher risk for doing so with a second pregnancy. Even though my PTL was a fluke, it still is a factor. I will never get to experience a pregnancy where every tinge, pain, pregnancy symptom won't leave me running to my OB's office. Every thing will worry me. But will it stop us from trying again?

No. Way.

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