Saturday, April 26, 2014

TTC Journey Update

I had my family consult with a new doctor. I like her. She gets down to business. So much so that before I left I had 13 vials of blood taken, instructions for R and a procedure lined up for me.

We started out discussing everything that had happened with my previous doctor. Which, I won't even get into but he turned out to be a real dick when I broke up with him. He was not happy that I was leaving. Told me I had unrealistic expectations for him because I sent messages and wouldn't come into the office. Which I said was not true and that I never said that. He said, "we like to keep people out of the office that don't need to be there". Oh okay, my expectations are too high to have a doctor monitor me? At the end he got really nasty, really, really, really nasty. He said, "You need to see a reproductive endocrinologist. Good luck." click.

I'm a strong person. I have a very good, simple life. I don't really let people get to me with their opinions about me. BUT! Don't ever, EVER mess with me about having a baby. EVER. My lack of fertility is my biggest weakness. It is the one thing in my life that I have absolutely no control over and brings me to my breaking point.

Anyways, back to Dr. W. When she heard that I had finished 4 rounds of clomid without ovulation and that I didn't know if I was insulin resistant (another courtesy of PCOS), she wanted to do some more testing. I had my blood taken and filled up 13 vials to check all my hormones and their levels. R got a special gift to do his side of testing and I had instructions to have a hysterosalpingography (HSG) done.

An HSG is an x-ray where they look inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes. What they are looking for is blockage, scar tissue, to make sure that the uterus is normal size and shape. They'll insert a tube through my cervix to my uterus and begin filling it up with dye. The dye is used to show a contrast and allows the doctor see blockage and the shape and size of the uterus. I scheduled this for next Friday and it will be performed at St. Luke's Clinic. It is an outpatient procedure. R is also completing his testing on Friday morning.

After the HSG is completed and Dr. W goes over everything will really determined where we go from there. I'm praying for clear tubes and normal uterus. The appointment was informative. She did advise that I go to a reproductive endocrinologist because they are knowledgeable about finding things that work for my wacky hormones. They'll probably have their own plans on TTC. We talked about IUI, which goes in and kind of "flicks" an egg to help with a release. And we did talk about IVF. As well as preterm labor and the actions to prevent and that I would be label as high risk.

It was a "slap in the face" kind of appointment. All my life I have been a planner. My life plans: graduate college at 22, get married at 24, have 1st baby at 26, have 2nd baby at 28, have 3rd baby at 30. Those were my plans. Real life? I got married at 24, graduated college at 26, had 1st baby at 26, struggling to have 2nd baby at 29. What's that saying? Life is what happens when you are busy making plans? Yeah, my life's motto.

The hardest thing for me is that I've always wanted a large family. Always. I don't think growing up I knew anyone that wanted kids as much as I did.So, it's kind of hard to see that dream sort of fading away. Not necessarily fading away but it has become fuzzy for sure.

I love Walker more than anything in my life. Besides my love for my husband, the love for my child is so deep and so strong. Having him is more than enough for us. He completes our lives. But I want the life for my child as I had myself. I love my siblings. They are greatest gifts that my parents have ever given me. They are my best friends from the start. Sometimes I feel selfish for trying so hard to create this safety net for Walker and failing at it every time. It's just not fair.


Jacob and Kimberly Palmer said...

I’m always thinking about you and sending good juju your way, but I’ll be thinking about you extra hard on Friday. I hope everything looks good and that your new doctor is able to help you. I really don’t understand why you have to deal with this. I know I'm starting to sound like a broken record, but I don’t get it. Sending hugs <3

Mrs. Emery said...

Thank you, Kimmy. 💗
I keep reminding myself that He has a plan for me; for us. I just need to let go and let Him.

Anonymous said...

Hello Mrs. Emery,
it is Dr Premkumar here. Nice to see Walker. You have a handsome son there!