TTC Journey Update

I had my family consult with a new doctor. I like her. She gets down to business. So much so that before I left I had 13 vials of blood taken, instructions for R and a procedure lined up for me.

We started out discussing everything that had happened with my previous doctor. Which, I won't even get into but he turned out to be a real dick when I broke up with him. He was not happy that I was leaving. Told me I had unrealistic expectations for him because I sent messages and wouldn't come into the office. Which I said was not true and that I never said that. He said, "we like to keep people out of the office that don't need to be there". Oh okay, my expectations are too high to have a doctor monitor me? At the end he got really nasty, really, really, really nasty. He said, "You need to see a reproductive endocrinologist. Good luck." click.

I'm a strong person. I have a very good, simple life. I don't really let people get to me with their opinions about me. BUT! Don't ever, EVER mess with me about having a baby. EVER. My lack of fertility is my biggest weakness. It is the one thing in my life that I have absolutely no control over and brings me to my breaking point.

Anyways, back to Dr. W. When she heard that I had finished 4 rounds of clomid without ovulation and that I didn't know if I was insulin resistant (another courtesy of PCOS), she wanted to do some more testing. I had my blood taken and filled up 13 vials to check all my hormones and their levels. R got a special gift to do his side of testing and I had instructions to have a hysterosalpingography (HSG) done.

An HSG is an x-ray where they look inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes. What they are looking for is blockage, scar tissue, to make sure that the uterus is normal size and shape. They'll insert a tube through my cervix to my uterus and begin filling it up with dye. The dye is used to show a contrast and allows the doctor see blockage and the shape and size of the uterus. I scheduled this for next Friday and it will be performed at St. Luke's Clinic. It is an outpatient procedure. R is also completing his testing on Friday morning.

After the HSG is completed and Dr. W goes over everything will really determined where we go from there. I'm praying for clear tubes and normal uterus. The appointment was informative. She did advise that I go to a reproductive endocrinologist because they are knowledgeable about finding things that work for my wacky hormones. They'll probably have their own plans on TTC. We talked about IUI, which goes in and kind of "flicks" an egg to help with a release. And we did talk about IVF. As well as preterm labor and the actions to prevent and that I would be label as high risk.

It was a "slap in the face" kind of appointment. All my life I have been a planner. My life plans: graduate college at 22, get married at 24, have 1st baby at 26, have 2nd baby at 28, have 3rd baby at 30. Those were my plans. Real life? I got married at 24, graduated college at 26, had 1st baby at 26, struggling to have 2nd baby at 29. What's that saying? Life is what happens when you are busy making plans? Yeah, my life's motto.

The hardest thing for me is that I've always wanted a large family. Always. I don't think growing up I knew anyone that wanted kids as much as I did.So, it's kind of hard to see that dream sort of fading away. Not necessarily fading away but it has become fuzzy for sure.

I love Walker more than anything in my life. Besides my love for my husband, the love for my child is so deep and so strong. Having him is more than enough for us. He completes our lives. But I want the life for my child as I had myself. I love my siblings. They are greatest gifts that my parents have ever given me. They are my best friends from the start. Sometimes I feel selfish for trying so hard to create this safety net for Walker and failing at it every time. It's just not fair.

March Of Dimes- Houston 2014

I'm not sure what happened this year with my emails being sent out to family and friends asking them to join our family team, but they were lost in space. We had a small, dedicated, team. It was fun! It was our first year to be able to actually walk. Last year it poured the night before and they cancelled the walk.

One thing that I loved about the walk, were the family t-shirts. They tell a story without having to ask questions. The walk is a little emotional because you do see "in memory of" shirts and I quickly am reminded that our chances were grim in the beginning.  Walker is such a miracle and as we do our mundane daily routine, you push those memories out of your mind and ALMOST forget. Almost. Those memories are ingrained and unforgettable.

The Man of the Hour! He's the reason we walk!

Pretty much sums up our day. R always ready, Walker trying to escape, and H just holding on for dear life!

Locked in and ready to stroll!

The Group.

Let's do this!

Having a good time, walking, saving babies!

Nice encouragement signs along the walk.

The handed our ice cream sandwiches. The kids were super happy!

We took the shorter route and headed towards all the fun stuff. There are a bunch of tents out there, but most of them are for companies. They do have a family tent where they serve pizza, chips, and drinks. They always have fun activities the kids can do and sell butterfly wings. Everything is free! (except the butterfly wings). Even the balloon artist!

 The have a nice little backdrop for a makeshift photo booth. Lots of signs and toys to pose with.

It was great day and for such a great cause. Can't wait for the 2015 walk!

Ice Cream

R has been working this shutdown/startup at work since January. I think he's only been off maybe 3 days. Walker and I have been missing him. I love my husband and I like our time together. Thursday we celebrated the end of his overtime by hitting up our local Baskin & Robbins. Surprisingly they were having a Scoopfest and we scored big time!

Walker LOVES ice cream. I was super surprised at Adam's party that he passed on the ice cream for the cupcake.

Gosh, I love that boy! Whoever made memories and stayed cleaned all at the same time?

Easter 2014

We were very excited to host our first holiday in the new house. Our house has a lot of bushes that is perfect for hiding eggs.

I LOVE BREAKFAST FOOD! It's my favorite. I could eat it for every meal. So I planned a brunch filled Easter menu. There was so much food. We had cinnamon french toast casserole which taste like bread pudding, OMG! It's heaven. We also had: eggs, sausage, kolaches, bacon, tortillas, toast, potatoes, bruschetta, and I also made funeral potatoes. Oh yes and my legendary Rice Krispie Treats. I had my mom order a Nothing but Bundt cake because I figure it would be the icing on the cake. We were all so pleasantly full from the breakfast that the cake and treats weren't ate. That was such a great day!

When planning Easter, I remembered last year how my brother Paul bough confetti eggs and how much fun they were. I made sure that when I saw them out at Wal-Mart to pick them up. I bought 5 dozen back in March. I told my family I would cook and that they were in charge of the eggs. So that left my sister and my mother to come up with something. Clearly they didn't communicate and we ended up with almost 12 dozen confetti eggs PLUS plastic filled eggs. Fun! Walker was NOT a fan of the confetti eggs and having confetti in his hair. When his hair is fixed, he HATES when people mess with it. (it's funny because a couple days after Easter there was still confetti on the back porch and he would see it and touch his hair to make sure it wasn't in there).

Breaking out the door!

RUN! RUN! RUN!

"Got one!"

"Not edible!"

Confetti Egg!

NOT HAPPY!

Adam getting R with a confetti egg.

Nana and Papa with all the grandkids. Great picture! 

Standard happy family photo...

....then this happened....

...which led to this epic family photo!

The guys! 

Liebster Award

Oooh! Look at me! Hydrobabies nominated me for the Liebster Award. Joanna is also a preemie mom and has 25 weekers, Ryan and Aiden. We met under the most stressful but beautiful circumstances. Thank you Joanna for the nomination and for being a friend. 

The rules, for me, are simply to answer the questions that Joanna sent me and to keep the love spreading by nominating two other bloggers. Also to give you 11 randoms about myself.

1.  What is one thing that you are thankful for when you think about your NICU experience with your child(ren)?

- One thing that I am thankful for when I think about our NICU experience was our time as a family. I was super protective over having guests that were not 100% healthy which meant that it was mainly R, Walker and I in our little home away from home.

2.  How have your child's beginnings shaped the way you parent?   

- Walker's beginning has total thrown my idea of what I would be like as a parent out the window. As you know, I am a control freak. I let Walker take the reigns and I know that only when he is ready will he do the things that he wants to do. 

3.  What does a normal day look like at your house?

- A normal day starts out with pancakes for breakfast up at the kitchen bar. Welcome helps wrangle up the doors and take them in and out. He plays until lunch time, eats, and then (crosses fingers) takes a good nap any where between 2-3 hours. He still very much needs naps or becomes unglued around 6 o'clock. He wakes up and we usually begin preparations for dinner. He loves sitting on the counter with his very own pot, pan and cooking utensil, helping me cook. Dinner is preceded by bath and then a little TV time and bedtime. Which leads to Momma getting her time to watch some adult television shows!

4.  When do you usually blog? 
- I usually blog in the mornings. Walker does his thing and I get a little free time. 

 5.  Why did you start your blog?
- I started my blog to chronicle our journey of trying to conceive and infertility, but then it led to our journey of having a preemie. 

6.  What are a few of your favorite things?  (Can be anything - food, beauty products, brands)
- I love french fries, cooking, baking, entertaining, unsweet ice tea, "You've Got Mail" "Sleepless in Seattle" "Pitch Perfect" "Step Brothers", spending the summers at the river, wine, Italian margaritas, champagne, home stuff, warm towels, a cold bed, having my head massaged and my back tickle/rubbed, pedicures, They're Real mascara, I love makeup, reading, quiet time, reality tv, and all things Disney. 

7.  What are your most visited websites in your browsing history?
- Facebook and Yahoo are tied. 

8.  Favorite memory with your child(ren) so far?
- Oh my goodness, there are so many. My favorite memory is watching him with all his tenacious, achieve his milestones. He has this look in his eye, determination maybe, but when you see it you know he won't stop until he has accomplished it. 

9.  Favorite healthy food?  Favorite indulgent food?
- I LOVE raw vegetables and grilled chicken. I indulge in french fries. They would be my last meal. 

10.  Do you like to dance?  Sing?
- Every day and in any place. I'm not afraid to bust out a little wiggle and some notes whenever the moment feels right. 

11.  Do you consider yourself shy or outgoing?  Care to elaborate? . 
- I think I'm a little shy. Friends would probably think differently. I'm very outgoing and talk with strangers all the time. 


11 Random Things about me:
1. Before I had a preemie I was drawn to F is  For Family's blog and R and I talked about how that could be us.
2. My dreams come true, in a weird way.
3. My biggest fears are snakes, dark water, knocking my front teeth out, breaking my nose, and losing my child and husband.
4. I've only ever truly aspired to be a mother. 
5. I have an obsession with keeping my closet clean.
6. My other obsession is purging out the clutter from my house and visually purging other people's clutter. 
7. My favorite number is 2 and it is in no way lucky.
8. I've never dyed my hair.
9. I severely hate goodbyes.
10. I remember every thing. 
11. I love to learn!



Now it's time for my nominations and I'm nominating two mother's that have touched my heart, Kimberly and Casey. 

Kimmy,  I love you and think you have one of the biggest hearts I have ever had the chance to get know. You love so big. 

Casey, I enjoy reading your blog. You are never alone in your struggle with emotions and the life ahead. Writing about them publicly helps eliminate the shamefulness that others might be going through. You are touching hearts and your words could very well soothe someone else's heart. 

Kimberly and Casey, both have great stories and have been through or going through things that could help other people. Their stories should be heard because they are important. 

The questions I have for you are simply these:
- Tell us about your child(ren) and what makes them unique?
- What is your passion?
- What is the biggest struggle you have been going through lately?
- How do you handle the stress of what you are going through?
- What would you say to someone who is going through or went through what you have?
- What are some of your favorite of things?
- What do you do in your spare time?
- What do you love about your husband?
- Who is your biggest inspiration?
- What did you want to be when you grew up? 

"It's not me, it's YOU!"

I broke up with my most recent OB today. Ugh. I'm still so annoyed with him. From the beginning I have had horrible patient care from him.

- The first time, he completely forgot our plan and tried to do something else. No big deal, he's busy.
- The second time, it took him two weeks to call me back after a blood test that would lead me to be diagnosed with PCOS.
- The third time, he took 3 weeks to call me back and discuss my ultrasound results. 3 weeks!
- The fourth, and most recent, he took 11 days to call me, oh wait, HE HASN'T CALLED ME BACK YET! I took my progesterone blood test on March 17 and after 11 days of harassing his nurse, she finally told me my results on an email. I'm currently STILL waiting for a phone call.
(Speaking of my results...Anything over a 2 indicates ovulation. I was at a .5. I'm so far from ovulation, it ain't even funny)
Can you even imagine if I was pregnant and waiting for my beta results? Ridiculous.

When it comes to OB's, I'm pretty lenient. I understand that women have emergencies, women go into spontaneous labor, premature labor, and that my "silly" little blood tests and trying to get a plan of action are not first priority. I give my doctor a very lenient 7 days to get back to me. After that I start calling his nurse and emailing her. I want my damn results. I almost feel like the 7 days gives him too much time to do other things, which pushes me back to long list of other important things.

Last night I wrote my "breakup" letter to his nurse. Because she handles all his stuff. Honestly, she has been an angel. I scheduled my family planning consult with a new OB and surprisingly they can get me in really fast. Previous OB took 2 months before I could get a consult. New OB could've gotten me in next week but I was busy on that day so I'll go at the end of the month. I also switched from a male to a female. I'm hoping the new OB is the one. On her bio she blatantly says that she takes the "the patient is the boss" stance. I know everything about my body. It's my body and I'm very in tuned with it. So, everyone cross their fingers that she and I are meant to be and I won't have to break up with yet another OB.

I didn't switch doctors because I haven't conceived since using my previous OB. The fact that I am not made a priority and honestly, I don't even feel like I was being taken seriously. Who was working from whom there? I was doing all the calling, I was asking for all the answers, I was giving all the suggestions on what to do next. It was irritating and it was stressful. If he is so busy, he needs to allow his nurse to handle all of those manners and pass them along to his patients.

And that's where we are now. 

Moving on...

We are wrapping up our fourth medicated cycle with no outstanding news to report. It seems as though 4 rounds of Clomid have done absolutely nothing to help stimulate my body and it's time to move on. I say that with a heavy heart but with a clear mind frame.

I've been on hormones since late August and wrapped up Clomid in early March. My body has swelled up, gone down, bloated back up, and gone down. My attitude towards the ones I love has been horrible at times and I've hit my lowest of lows. It's just my time to hang it all up, for the time being. R and I had already discussed if this cycle wasn't successful that we would stop and get through the summer. Then I thought about how I'm turning 30 and it's a monumental milestone in my life and decided to possibly wait until the new year to start back up.

I am so heartbroken that we haven't been successful in our tries but I need this break for my sanity. I can't take peeing on ovulation strips, getting so upset to see that it is negative, waking up at 3:15 every morning to take my BBT (body basal temperature), seeing that it's not following an ovulation pattern and getting angry and trying to fall back asleep, and on cycle day 20 I'm filled with horrible emotions and feelings knowing ovulation is out the window. God, for any of you who have gotten pregnant by "accident", you freaking suck.

I am a persistent and determined person, but I'm also realistic. Even though I do feel like I am giving up a little bit, I know that my body needs a rest and needs to recharge. I'm waiting for the blood results from my progesterone check to come back from my doctor, which will come back as standard and show no ovulation, and to hear what he would do next.

I am so sad but having a plan in place to keep me focused on something to look forward to, (celebrating turning 30). Also, did I mention that I'm also planning a Walt Disney World trip for the family? Yeah, so I'll be distracted from the lingering ache in heart to have another baby.