Moving on...

We are wrapping up our fourth medicated cycle with no outstanding news to report. It seems as though 4 rounds of Clomid have done absolutely nothing to help stimulate my body and it's time to move on. I say that with a heavy heart but with a clear mind frame.

I've been on hormones since late August and wrapped up Clomid in early March. My body has swelled up, gone down, bloated back up, and gone down. My attitude towards the ones I love has been horrible at times and I've hit my lowest of lows. It's just my time to hang it all up, for the time being. R and I had already discussed if this cycle wasn't successful that we would stop and get through the summer. Then I thought about how I'm turning 30 and it's a monumental milestone in my life and decided to possibly wait until the new year to start back up.

I am so heartbroken that we haven't been successful in our tries but I need this break for my sanity. I can't take peeing on ovulation strips, getting so upset to see that it is negative, waking up at 3:15 every morning to take my BBT (body basal temperature), seeing that it's not following an ovulation pattern and getting angry and trying to fall back asleep, and on cycle day 20 I'm filled with horrible emotions and feelings knowing ovulation is out the window. God, for any of you who have gotten pregnant by "accident", you freaking suck.

I am a persistent and determined person, but I'm also realistic. Even though I do feel like I am giving up a little bit, I know that my body needs a rest and needs to recharge. I'm waiting for the blood results from my progesterone check to come back from my doctor, which will come back as standard and show no ovulation, and to hear what he would do next.

I am so sad but having a plan in place to keep me focused on something to look forward to, (celebrating turning 30). Also, did I mention that I'm also planning a Walt Disney World trip for the family? Yeah, so I'll be distracted from the lingering ache in heart to have another baby. 

Round Three: Fail

I have just finished my third round of Clomid 50mg and it has failed. I have a million words to put it into perspective for those who don't understand the struggle.

Every month I begin my medication regimen with the utmost amount of hope a person can have. I walk around speaking of these hopeful affirmations to everyone. I think this month I was really positive. The MOST positive I have ever been.

I start out taking Provera for seven days and wait for my cycle to begin. When I see that it has I am elated! I call R and tell him and I'm literally jumping up and down inside. THIS IS THE MONTH! THIS IS THE MONTH! R, being the most optimistic person in this world, is just as pumped up as I am. He cautiously tells me, "H, don't put so much stress on yourself. It's all in God's timing". I usually roll my eyes at this but I know it's true. I love him.

Five days into my cycle I begin the dreadful, hormonal dosage of Clomid. I sincerely become a raging bitch. "What do you MEAN what's for dinner?", is the rudest question I hear from R. I mean, seriously, you get what you are served. I flip a lid over everything and anything. Hey, it just happens.

I begin testing on the twelfth day of my cycle. This is where the real shit happens and I lose hope like never before. When a normal, fertile woman would start testing, her strips would slowly fade into a perfect positive within days. She would then make whoopie with her mate and pray for a fertilized egg. Now, what happens with a body like mine is, you start testing and all your sticks have test lines. You squint and examine that little pee stick like your life depends on it. I even started asking R, "Wanna play a game?" and ask him which line is darker. I know it saddens him to tell me that it is, of course, negative again. We then wait two weeks and I pee on anything that I can to see if I'm pregnant or having a late ovulation. Which never happens. Which hasn't happened since August.

That's the funny thing about peeing on sticks. When you get the negative it is such a heartbreaking experience. All hope is out, you walk out of the bathroom with heavy shoulders and have to tell your husband that, yet again, you are not pregnant. Life before Walker? R didn't really give much emotion about it. It's all about the timing. Life after Walker? It's written all over his face. I die a little inside when he hugs me and lets me cry in his chest.

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I parked it on the couch and ate my feelings. I had only planned to snack on some white cheddar popcorn when I turned on the TV and saw that Dr. Phil had a young lady who was addicted to crack and heroine and pregnant on. The popcorn disappeared and so did a Snicker's and Dr. Pepper before the show had ended. I wasn't sad. I was numb.

Most nights I lay next to my husband as he snores away. He has this thing about me falling asleep first, it keeps him up all night. Weird, I know. So, I usually check Facebook, search the web with things like "When did you ovulate on Clomid days 5-9?". I'm usually led to this forum with women who are just like me and have PCOS. I just skim through their posts and hope someone is out there just like me.

Last night, while my dear husband was snoring away, I found this article.
The Disgrace of Infertility , Nate Pyle, my love, no truer words have been spoken. You are truly a gift to your wife to understand the heartbreak that she goes through.

I curled up in bed and bawled my eyes out. This article is just what I go through every. single. month. I'm thankful that I have someone like R, who just holds me and repeatedly tells me that he is happy and I haven't ruined his life. Because, you see, this is my purpose in life. I am a WOMAN. My body was made for making babies. That is it's job. That is what God made women to do. To grow babies, at their discretion. My body has failed me and at times I feel like my purpose is unknown.

Infertility is a bitch.

But it won't stop us from trying again next month with the same hope that we held on to this month. 

Here we go!

FINALLY talked to my doctor almost 4 weeks to the day that I had the ultrasound. I really my OB, I really like the office and the people that I have spoke with. I dislike the time period that I have to wait to hear back from him. This is why I was so hesitant to go with a big wig in the Med Center, but everything will be okay.

Thursday, August 29
- I had to take a pregnancy test to make sure that I was not currently pregnant. It was stark white and I made the phone call into the office. A couple hours later the pharmacy called to let me know that Clomid is not covered by our insurance. Awesome. I hate our new insurance. There are few to none plants that don't cover infertility treatments. That's a whole other story.

Pick up the meds and decide to wait until the nurse calls back and gives me the instructions. Even though this isn't our first rodeo with the meds, I wanted to make sure that he didn't have other instructions. The first set of pills are Provera and will kick start my cycle. 7 little pills. Shouldn't be so bad, right?

 I took my first pill that day. By the night time and early morning I was having some major stomach issues.

Before I went to bed and in the midst of saying my night time prayers, I really felt God's presence. You have all these doubts and all these hopeful feelings about the journey you are about to embark on. Being that this is our second time and we know what to expect makes it a little familiar but then also you have mixed feelings about this new journey.

I just laid there, talking in my head to Jesus about what was about to happen. I've had these moments before. Every time we came to a hurdle with Walker I would pour my heart out to God and I could feel the most unbelievable calmness come over my body and I knew that every thing was going to be okay. That was exactly how I felt tonight. It may not work the first time, but we will be okay. It just means that God has another plan for us and the timing isn't right.

Friday, August 30:
- Pill #2. Stomach was still hurting but we had a busy day for us. We went to sign Walker up for Mother's Day Out, school shopping, and picking up everything we need to get Walker ready for MDO. It was hot. I was hot. Moody like a mother...

That night I was exhausted. I had a horrible migraine, I was extremely tired and my stomach was still hurting. R made the comment, "I'm so sorry you have to go through all of this just to have a baby. I hate how you have every side effect from medicines".

Saturday, August 31:
- Pill #3. Lots of crying. Lots of arguing. I'm a straight nut case at this point. These pills are the worst because they make you into this She-Devil. I called my sister and told her I was depressed because I'm being mean to my family but it's not me. Hormones. They're a bitch.

Sunday, September 1:
- Pill #4. Oh the bloat. My stomach is bloated, my hands and feet are swollen. I've stayed away from sodas and haven't had an appetite lately. There's is not one thing I could think of that I want to do other than sleep!

Monday, September 2:
- Pill #5. I'm tired but get up to spend the day with my family. It was a pretty lazy day with very minimal side effects besides the bloating. I'm falling asleep at the drop of a hat.

Tuesday, September 3:
- Pill #6. My mood is swinging like a monkey on tree! I'm so, so, so tired. 1 more day, 1 more pill. Increased trips to the bathroom.

I swear, waiting for your cycle to start makes being patient very hard. You feel your body gearing up. You have all the signs. This headache will be the headache that my cycle shows up. And then it's not. Stupid headache. Then you have another headache and tell yourself, "it's just another headache" and then you see the start of it.

Monday, September 9:
- Doing my nightly routine and BAM! Very, very light spotting. I tell myself that it will definitely be CD1 tomorrow. (CD= cycle day)

Tuesday, September 10:
- Throughout the whole day I kept playing the "is it for real or just spotting?". I went on Dr. Google and googled so many ridiculous things. By dinner time it was apparent that my cycle had started. Don't mind the text I sent to R saying it wasn't working before the bathroom trip that confirmed that today was CD1.

Wednesday, September 11:
- I have had so much going through my head today. All the "what if it doesn't work this time?".

Those are other magic pills I will taking this week. As soon as my hormones have calmed down a bit from the Provera, I'm bringing them swinging again!

Saturday, September 14:
- Clomid, 50mg, Day 1. I'm excited!

Sunday, September 15:
- Day 2. Hot flashes are crazy! You can feel the heat radiating through my hands and feet. My stomach is killing me. I had a crazy headache and headed to my parent's house for rest and relaxation while my parents watched Walker.

Monday, September 16:
- Day 3. I'm still hot. I'm so tired that we were running late getting out the door for MDO. I almost lost my cool with a lady while getting Walker's birth certificate. If your job is working with people you need to be friendly and drop the attitude.

Tuesday, September 17:
- Day 4. Today was a really trying day. Walker was thrown off his schedule and he was a wild beast! Really second guessed my desire to stay at home. I have to remind myself that we both are going through phases right now. Clomid makes you crazy. Trust me. Don't? Ask someone who has taken it.

Wednesday, September 18:
-Day 5. FINAL PILL! I feel hopeful. I feel better than I have the past couple of days, that's for sure. Walker and I both got a full nights rest and we are back to being our stay at home buddies! I love that baby. My doctor has suggested testing from CD12-20, which would be from September 21-29.

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Looks like we out for this month. Today is CD20 and the last day for a + on the OPK strips. I'm so bummed. We, we're so bummed. I've been a crying mess. CD19 is when I got the + for Walker and I just kind of held on to hope that it would happen yesterday. But it didn't. My hopeful self is still thinking maybe, possibly, something is happening right now and I'll get + strip tonight.

I thought a while about posting a super sad post but then I realized that there's someone out there googling about stories and they shouldn't always find the happy ones. I sent an email to my doctor asking what the next step is and I hope to get a call tomorrow.

I am just so sad. I'm sad that my body doesn't work the way it is intended to and even though I know it isn't, I just feel the worst thinking that it's my "problem" or my "fault". R is the best and just listens and calms me. He reminds me, "it's all in God's timing".

(And if you have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about you have to get a + on an OPK that detects an LH surge which means an egg is in release mode. Then you have sex and pray in two weeks you'll get a + on a pregnancy test.)

So after speaking with a fellow PCOSer, I decided to give myself a little more time before throwing in the towel. Every day I would wake up with high hopes of getting that positive but it hasn't happened and today is CD24.  I cried every day. After every test. R didn't know what to do with me because I don't act like this. I was literally falling to pieces.

Last night I told myself that tomorrow I have to pick myself up and just move on. All those tears aren't going to make anything happen and they sure as hell aren't going to make a test strip turn positive. So today when I woke up I decided that it's a new start and I have to accept the cards that I've been dealt.

I'm waiting a call back from my doctor on the next step. It takes a lot to get this body working properly and I have decide if I want to start every thing up again or take a break and wait for the start of the new year. I had already told myself that I would take the month of November off because I'm not fond of an August birthday. Decisions, decisions.

Here's a glimpse of a few of my tests.

They look positive, don't they? Yeah, well, you can't almost 60 positive OPKs. Yeah that's right. Kimmy sent me 47 Wondfo's and then I went out and bought 20 more strips. Obsessed.