Knocked Silly

I came back from Disney ready to tackle the last few weeks I had until I would resume my title as a stay at home mom. I was in good spirits and was so happy to be back at work. 

Monday I had a stomachache followed by what was constipation, which I have never had a problem with. I went to the bathroom and thought every thing was good to go.

I went home and prepared myself for the next two days of benchmark testing. That meant that I would be able to wear my comfy jeans and Asics. Perfect day! 

I woke up around 4 to use the bathroom and noticed that I had a pretty severe stomach pain. I thought I had possibly slept on a car or pulled a stomach muscle. Walker was sleeping with us and he had the tendency of putting cars in the bed.  I moved around a lot to see if the pain could be relieved by switching positions. The pain did not subside. By the time my mother arrived so I could leave for work, I was in tears telling her about the pain. I told her that I would be running late because I was heading to Neighbors Emergency Center after work. We all should have known then. 

I called R on the way to work and was crying telling him about the pain in my stomach. He told me to go then, but with the students testing I knew I would cause a stir if I called in. I went to work and proceeded with the test. 

When I walked, there was a pulling sensation. I couldn't sit comfortably. When I went to the restaurant to pee, I sat down and it felt like I was about to push a baby out. My birth with Walker never caused that much pain.  (I actually sent that text to Sadie, which we thought was funny until later learning..) I kept texting R, Sadie, and my mother telling them about my pain. When I lived in College Station for a couple months, I had a cyst rupture that had the same pulling sensation when I walked. So I chalked it up to being just that. I have PCOS, so it would be pretty normal for me to have had a cyst rupture. (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). 

While I was walking and monitoring kids, I felt a little light headed but mainly I was bloating super bad. When I looked down all I saw was my stomach. I took some pictures of me to see what I looked like. While I'm a chubby girl, I do not wear tight clothes and I could feel my body expanding. 

My stomach looks really distorted in this picture.

 I finally made it to Neighbors after work where the button on my pants was practically about to fall off, my pants were so stretched out. They began giving me fluids, taking vitals, a pregnancy test, and some standard blood work. I was pretty calm. The nurse came back in and said they needed more blood and I asked what for? She said, "They haven't told you?" And then all these life-threatening medical issues started running through my head. The doctor came in and told me that I was pregnant and about 3 weeks according to my last month period.

So if you have read our blog, you know the struggle that R and I have conceiving a child. We are, unfortunately, unable to conceive without the help of modern medicine. SO hearing this news came as a shock. I was happy to hear the words, but deep in my heart I knew it wasn't meant to be.

They took more blood, sent blood off, had an ultrasound tech called in, and called my OBGYN. By this time it is past office hours and he's called the on call doctor. R had shown up and I had told him the news that I was pregnant and he was happily shocked. He remained optimistic until the doctor came in and said that the tech had found something in my tube and that I would be transported by ambulance to TCH Pavilion for Women. They were already getting a room set up for me and notifying the staff I was on my way.  I had to call my mom and sister on three-way and tell them the happy but bad news. I just cried and cried and cried, before I was able to find the words. My sister brought a bag up for me because we didn't know what was going to happen. Worst case scenario I would be rushed off to emergency surgery that night.

By the time the ambulance came to pick me up it was 9 p.m., my pants would not even button and below the waistline because my stomach was so swollen. I hadn't seen my baby in so long. All I wanted to do was be pregnant and go home. But unfortunately, that wasn't going to be the case.

 When we arrived the EMT's took me to the children's emergency room. I told them they were at the wrong emergency center, but they said they had orders to bring me there. So I'm being pushed around on a stretcher thing through the whole dang hospital all the way to the other wing.

I had a fantastic on call doctor who was so gentle and sweet. Everyone asked if I was okay, if I needed anything, what could they do to help? I had more blood drawn, another ultrasound tech came in, and then the news was delivered. It was officially diagnosed as an ectopic pregnancy. The tech had found the baby in my left tube and looked to measure around 2cm. They administered the Methotrexate shots into both sides of my behind. It was 4 a.m. and I was finally sent home to let the process begin.

I was starving and swollen and now the burning pain from the shots. Exhausted, heart sick, and devastated. I made R pull into Taco Cabana on the way home and ordered so much food. I stuffed my face in hopes that when I got home I would be able to crash and sleep the days away.

That was not the case either. R used his very last vacation day to stay with home with me and I did get to sleep a lot the next day. I think my mother came and took Walker to school, but honestly, I can't remember anything. My group of mom's sent me a nice bouquet of flowers and Walker loved them. I thought that every thing was good to go. Every thing was going to happen and the pain was still there letting me know that my pregnancy was ending.

The next morning R returned to work and my mother came over to care for me and watch Walker. I woke up in horrible pain. I was giving my OB's office recording a tongue lashing because it was 8:30 a.m., I was in pain, and they weren't open yet. When I finally was able to leave a message with a nurse in my OB's office, she called back and said that the shots would cause some pain as it starts dissolving the baby, to take two Tylenol and call back after lunch if the pain is still bad. And yes, I call the ball of cells a baby because we believe that life begins at conception.

I was in so much pain that I knew I would call back after lunch, immediately. My mom was over as I was in the shower in so much pain, she was trying to keep Walker busy, and told me through the shower that I should really try to go in. I have a high tolerance for pain, but this was my warning sign that something wasn't right. I called R and told him that I was in a lot of pain and they told me to call back after lunch. To my surprise, R's foreman/supervisor heard our story and told R to go home and be with me. Thank the Lord that something pulled on that man's heart strings. R was stopping to pick up breakfast for us and was on his way home. My OB's nurse called after I got off the phone and asked if I was still in pain and I said yes. She said that Dr. W had a change of heart and she wanted to see me immediately. She scheduled an ultrasound and then I was to go to her office and tell them it was an emergency.

By this time it is 1 p.m., I could barely walk, and my stomach was HUGE! When we got into the room with the ultrasound tech, whom I loved so much, she said that her friend was actually the one who found the baby in my tube the night before. She was explaining to me that tubal pregnancies are so hard to find so they had been studying my scans before shift change. She told me that I looked like I was in a lot of pain and said that she just needed a few more shots.

She was wonderful. It hurt like hell. She was comforting. And she didn't even wait to discuss with someone higher up before letting me know that something was wrong. She showed R where the baby was and said she did see some debris floating around but it could be the baby dissolving or my tube could be rupturing. She went back to discuss and said she would be wheeling me to see Dr. W because they were really concerned.

Dr. W. is this little miniature 100lb girl. She came and started wheeling me into a private room to talk. She ran me into every dang wall and corner and nurse around. It was hilarious but hurt like hell too. In the room she explained to me that this was an emergency and she would be wheeling me down to surgery right away.

Cue major freakout. We talked about what that would mean for our future children and she said it wouldn't effect my fertility, to which I burst into tears and said, "I don't even have any fertility". I was heartbroken. We came to the hospital thinking we would be leaving. And now I would be undergoing surgery. I was delirious and on the brink of having a mental breakdown. Actually, I think that was my breakdown moment through all of this.

They took me back and I had about 5 nurses and 2 anesthesiologists trying to poke my veins. They were horrible. I was dehydrated and my veins are not that good to begin with. Eventually the anesthesiologist put Novocain in my arm so he could poke around without hurting me too badly.

My anxiety really hit an all time high and I had to poop. One nurse said, "it's okay you will", to which I told her, "NO! IN THE TOILET!" I was so scared. Every thing was happening so fast and I kept saying, "I just want to go home". I practically had to threaten R to call my family and give them an update. He was frozen with fear. First, Walker puts both of us in a whirlwind at the beginning of his life and now R is watching me go down fast.

I was whisked away and taken into the operating room, which, they need to make those rooms a little more friendly. Something happy and not so "medical".

The next thing I knew they were shaking me to wake up and putting an oxygen mask on me.

Waking up

My stomach is super bloated here. They pump gas to expand your belly. I've never felt more big or uncomfortable.

 Dr. W had talked with R after surgery, and thankfully he was the first thing I saw when I woke up. Dr. W had said that I was maybe an hour from my organs shutting down. She said she had a bad feeling when I called that morning and she had a feeling I was in trouble. I had bleeding in my belly. In non medical terms, almost 2 cups of internal bleeding to be exact. My tube wasn't ruptured but they took it out as that's the only way to get the baby out.  The baby was smaller than she had thought but very much along where it should have been. She took pictures of the healthy tube and ovary, and I keep it in my top drawer at home. Medicine excites me.

Recovery

Me in my sexy socks

 I missed Walker so much. I had to stay overnight to make sure that my bleeding didn't return. Dr. W came to see me in the morning before I was discharged and said, "You must have been in a lot of pain. Why did you tell the nurse it was only an 8". I told her that the only way I'm going to ever tell someone my pain level is a 10, is if I feel like I'm dying."  She said that she would always take my word and that if I ever said 8, she would never second guess me.

 Walker took great care of me. He looked at my "boo boos" and asked me questions about the doc, and if Mommy was "otay?". He gave me so many kisses but sadly, kept his distance.

This is the incision site that she had to "tug and pull that stupid thing out". 

"DADA! Mommy all done!"

This is an illustration of the procedure. 

My bruise stayed for a really long time

 My restrictions were pretty basic and much like a c-section birth. I wasn't able to drive for 2 weeks, no heavy lifting for almost a month, light exercise after 2 weeks, and I bled for a long time. I was healing beautifully, wearing men's clothing for much longer than I would like to admit. There are still some times that I feel the pain. When I get up too fast, move a certain way, sleep on my stomach too long. My heart always breaks when I think about how far I would've been in my pregnancy.

Walker now thinks that the motorize scooters at stores are "Mommy's ride" and always wants to get on one. I wasn't able to finish out the semester with my students, my replacement had been covering for me while I was out and she is going to do fantastic with them.

R and I are giving it some months to let my body heal but mostly let our hearts heal. I try to look back and think about signs that I might have been pregnant and why didn't I catch it? There were some signs. I had some spotting at Disney but my cycles are never regular. I was obsessed with Coke at Disney. I kept telling my sister that I couldn't get enough. Very unlike me. Even with little eating and lots of walking, I felt a little bloated at Disney but chalked it up to starting my cycle. I was super tired. I was constipated. At one time I did have a feeling that I was pregnant and how wonderful would that be to have a Christmas themed pregnancy announcement. But God knew what he was doing and that wasn't our baby to keep. 

Fertility Specialist Appointment

Walker started school today and I went across town to meet with a new doctor. Since my HSG and R's semen analysis came back normal/great/no problems, she referred me to Houston IVF. She suggested one doctor within the practice that she went to medical school with but after reading their profiles, I found a doctor in the practice that specialized in PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). Since I am living with PCOS, I thought she would be the best since she is interested in it.

We had a great meeting. We talked about every thing, she wanted to see a picture of Walker, and we discussed what we would be trying. Since I have had blood work recently we skipped over that part and went straight to talking about medicines and ultrasounds. I really loved her. We talked about PCOS and she listened to all of my concerns, answered all of my questions, and even boosted my ego with complements about my knowledge and research of PCOS. (I'm pretty obsessed and have really done my share of digging and learning all about it).

With PCOS, at any time, you may become insulin resistant. What that means is that your kidneys pump out more insulin than your body really needs. I am not diabetic. My chances are higher for later in life to become a diabetic since I do have this crappy syndrome. So, with that knowledge, we decided to try out Metformin (a diabetic drug), to help regulate my body. I start taking that immediately and then if my cycle doesn't show up in a couple of days I'll start taking the Provera to kick start it. After Provera, I'll go in to have an ultrasound to look for fibroids or cyst and we'll begin the Clomid to start ovulation. There are lots more ultrasounds to go when I start Clomid.

I left the office feeling really good. She was confident that I would become pregnant and if not, that we wouldn't have to do IVF. IUI was a possibility but right now we aren't focused on that. Three cycles of Clomid and then we would try another drug called Femara.

So cross your fingers, toes, and eyes. Let's get pregnant! 

HSG

I had my HSG performed today. It was uncomfortable but nothing too painful. I took two Aleve before the process and the radiologist was a nice guy who had performed many of these. I got to watch the dye enter my ovaries and uterus and, although he can't give a formal diagnosis, he said they look normal, clear, and open. That is great news!

R turned in his semen analysis while we were in the Med Center, today. That office was crammed packed with a bunch of men and two women; me and another wife. It was actually hilarious! R had his sample in cup that was placed inside the bag. He knocked on the closed receptionist's desk and took the cup out of the bag. A woman sitting next to the window snickered and talking in another language to her husband while pointing at it. I told R she was not impressed with his quantity. Ha! The receptionist opened the window, R tried to give it to her, she said, "NO! Put it back in the bag!". It was all hysterical!

Now we wait for the results of my HSG and R's analysis to be sent over to my OBGYN and she'll look over everything and call me with further instructions. 

TTC Journey Update

I had my family consult with a new doctor. I like her. She gets down to business. So much so that before I left I had 13 vials of blood taken, instructions for R and a procedure lined up for me.

We started out discussing everything that had happened with my previous doctor. Which, I won't even get into but he turned out to be a real dick when I broke up with him. He was not happy that I was leaving. Told me I had unrealistic expectations for him because I sent messages and wouldn't come into the office. Which I said was not true and that I never said that. He said, "we like to keep people out of the office that don't need to be there". Oh okay, my expectations are too high to have a doctor monitor me? At the end he got really nasty, really, really, really nasty. He said, "You need to see a reproductive endocrinologist. Good luck." click.

I'm a strong person. I have a very good, simple life. I don't really let people get to me with their opinions about me. BUT! Don't ever, EVER mess with me about having a baby. EVER. My lack of fertility is my biggest weakness. It is the one thing in my life that I have absolutely no control over and brings me to my breaking point.

Anyways, back to Dr. W. When she heard that I had finished 4 rounds of clomid without ovulation and that I didn't know if I was insulin resistant (another courtesy of PCOS), she wanted to do some more testing. I had my blood taken and filled up 13 vials to check all my hormones and their levels. R got a special gift to do his side of testing and I had instructions to have a hysterosalpingography (HSG) done.

An HSG is an x-ray where they look inside of the uterus and fallopian tubes. What they are looking for is blockage, scar tissue, to make sure that the uterus is normal size and shape. They'll insert a tube through my cervix to my uterus and begin filling it up with dye. The dye is used to show a contrast and allows the doctor see blockage and the shape and size of the uterus. I scheduled this for next Friday and it will be performed at St. Luke's Clinic. It is an outpatient procedure. R is also completing his testing on Friday morning.

After the HSG is completed and Dr. W goes over everything will really determined where we go from there. I'm praying for clear tubes and normal uterus. The appointment was informative. She did advise that I go to a reproductive endocrinologist because they are knowledgeable about finding things that work for my wacky hormones. They'll probably have their own plans on TTC. We talked about IUI, which goes in and kind of "flicks" an egg to help with a release. And we did talk about IVF. As well as preterm labor and the actions to prevent and that I would be label as high risk.

It was a "slap in the face" kind of appointment. All my life I have been a planner. My life plans: graduate college at 22, get married at 24, have 1st baby at 26, have 2nd baby at 28, have 3rd baby at 30. Those were my plans. Real life? I got married at 24, graduated college at 26, had 1st baby at 26, struggling to have 2nd baby at 29. What's that saying? Life is what happens when you are busy making plans? Yeah, my life's motto.

The hardest thing for me is that I've always wanted a large family. Always. I don't think growing up I knew anyone that wanted kids as much as I did.So, it's kind of hard to see that dream sort of fading away. Not necessarily fading away but it has become fuzzy for sure.

I love Walker more than anything in my life. Besides my love for my husband, the love for my child is so deep and so strong. Having him is more than enough for us. He completes our lives. But I want the life for my child as I had myself. I love my siblings. They are greatest gifts that my parents have ever given me. They are my best friends from the start. Sometimes I feel selfish for trying so hard to create this safety net for Walker and failing at it every time. It's just not fair.

Ah Shucks

That's a lot of ovulation strips. I'm obsessed. We used the month of June as an experiment with hopes that my body would ovulate and we would conceive on our own. That, however, did not happen.  We were both a little bummed. Maybe more than a little. It's super frustrating to me but I know this is how my body "works".

So, the plan is to wait until my cycle starts. Right now it's past due but I have mentally given myself an extended 7 days to see if it starts up. I really dislike the medicine that starts my cycle. It makes me feel horrible, moody, and completely not myself. After that I will call Dr. I and the get the ball running from there.

I know this, I had a baby off of Clomid once so we know that it is possible and possibility of another pregnancy off Clomid is high.