"It's not me, it's YOU!"

I broke up with my most recent OB today. Ugh. I'm still so annoyed with him. From the beginning I have had horrible patient care from him.

- The first time, he completely forgot our plan and tried to do something else. No big deal, he's busy.
- The second time, it took him two weeks to call me back after a blood test that would lead me to be diagnosed with PCOS.
- The third time, he took 3 weeks to call me back and discuss my ultrasound results. 3 weeks!
- The fourth, and most recent, he took 11 days to call me, oh wait, HE HASN'T CALLED ME BACK YET! I took my progesterone blood test on March 17 and after 11 days of harassing his nurse, she finally told me my results on an email. I'm currently STILL waiting for a phone call.
(Speaking of my results...Anything over a 2 indicates ovulation. I was at a .5. I'm so far from ovulation, it ain't even funny)
Can you even imagine if I was pregnant and waiting for my beta results? Ridiculous.

When it comes to OB's, I'm pretty lenient. I understand that women have emergencies, women go into spontaneous labor, premature labor, and that my "silly" little blood tests and trying to get a plan of action are not first priority. I give my doctor a very lenient 7 days to get back to me. After that I start calling his nurse and emailing her. I want my damn results. I almost feel like the 7 days gives him too much time to do other things, which pushes me back to long list of other important things.

Last night I wrote my "breakup" letter to his nurse. Because she handles all his stuff. Honestly, she has been an angel. I scheduled my family planning consult with a new OB and surprisingly they can get me in really fast. Previous OB took 2 months before I could get a consult. New OB could've gotten me in next week but I was busy on that day so I'll go at the end of the month. I also switched from a male to a female. I'm hoping the new OB is the one. On her bio she blatantly says that she takes the "the patient is the boss" stance. I know everything about my body. It's my body and I'm very in tuned with it. So, everyone cross their fingers that she and I are meant to be and I won't have to break up with yet another OB.

I didn't switch doctors because I haven't conceived since using my previous OB. The fact that I am not made a priority and honestly, I don't even feel like I was being taken seriously. Who was working from whom there? I was doing all the calling, I was asking for all the answers, I was giving all the suggestions on what to do next. It was irritating and it was stressful. If he is so busy, he needs to allow his nurse to handle all of those manners and pass them along to his patients.

And that's where we are now. 

Moving on...

We are wrapping up our fourth medicated cycle with no outstanding news to report. It seems as though 4 rounds of Clomid have done absolutely nothing to help stimulate my body and it's time to move on. I say that with a heavy heart but with a clear mind frame.

I've been on hormones since late August and wrapped up Clomid in early March. My body has swelled up, gone down, bloated back up, and gone down. My attitude towards the ones I love has been horrible at times and I've hit my lowest of lows. It's just my time to hang it all up, for the time being. R and I had already discussed if this cycle wasn't successful that we would stop and get through the summer. Then I thought about how I'm turning 30 and it's a monumental milestone in my life and decided to possibly wait until the new year to start back up.

I am so heartbroken that we haven't been successful in our tries but I need this break for my sanity. I can't take peeing on ovulation strips, getting so upset to see that it is negative, waking up at 3:15 every morning to take my BBT (body basal temperature), seeing that it's not following an ovulation pattern and getting angry and trying to fall back asleep, and on cycle day 20 I'm filled with horrible emotions and feelings knowing ovulation is out the window. God, for any of you who have gotten pregnant by "accident", you freaking suck.

I am a persistent and determined person, but I'm also realistic. Even though I do feel like I am giving up a little bit, I know that my body needs a rest and needs to recharge. I'm waiting for the blood results from my progesterone check to come back from my doctor, which will come back as standard and show no ovulation, and to hear what he would do next.

I am so sad but having a plan in place to keep me focused on something to look forward to, (celebrating turning 30). Also, did I mention that I'm also planning a Walt Disney World trip for the family? Yeah, so I'll be distracted from the lingering ache in heart to have another baby. 

Round Three: Fail

I have just finished my third round of Clomid 50mg and it has failed. I have a million words to put it into perspective for those who don't understand the struggle.

Every month I begin my medication regimen with the utmost amount of hope a person can have. I walk around speaking of these hopeful affirmations to everyone. I think this month I was really positive. The MOST positive I have ever been.

I start out taking Provera for seven days and wait for my cycle to begin. When I see that it has I am elated! I call R and tell him and I'm literally jumping up and down inside. THIS IS THE MONTH! THIS IS THE MONTH! R, being the most optimistic person in this world, is just as pumped up as I am. He cautiously tells me, "H, don't put so much stress on yourself. It's all in God's timing". I usually roll my eyes at this but I know it's true. I love him.

Five days into my cycle I begin the dreadful, hormonal dosage of Clomid. I sincerely become a raging bitch. "What do you MEAN what's for dinner?", is the rudest question I hear from R. I mean, seriously, you get what you are served. I flip a lid over everything and anything. Hey, it just happens.

I begin testing on the twelfth day of my cycle. This is where the real shit happens and I lose hope like never before. When a normal, fertile woman would start testing, her strips would slowly fade into a perfect positive within days. She would then make whoopie with her mate and pray for a fertilized egg. Now, what happens with a body like mine is, you start testing and all your sticks have test lines. You squint and examine that little pee stick like your life depends on it. I even started asking R, "Wanna play a game?" and ask him which line is darker. I know it saddens him to tell me that it is, of course, negative again. We then wait two weeks and I pee on anything that I can to see if I'm pregnant or having a late ovulation. Which never happens. Which hasn't happened since August.

That's the funny thing about peeing on sticks. When you get the negative it is such a heartbreaking experience. All hope is out, you walk out of the bathroom with heavy shoulders and have to tell your husband that, yet again, you are not pregnant. Life before Walker? R didn't really give much emotion about it. It's all about the timing. Life after Walker? It's written all over his face. I die a little inside when he hugs me and lets me cry in his chest.

Yesterday was a really bad day for me. I parked it on the couch and ate my feelings. I had only planned to snack on some white cheddar popcorn when I turned on the TV and saw that Dr. Phil had a young lady who was addicted to crack and heroine and pregnant on. The popcorn disappeared and so did a Snicker's and Dr. Pepper before the show had ended. I wasn't sad. I was numb.

Most nights I lay next to my husband as he snores away. He has this thing about me falling asleep first, it keeps him up all night. Weird, I know. So, I usually check Facebook, search the web with things like "When did you ovulate on Clomid days 5-9?". I'm usually led to this forum with women who are just like me and have PCOS. I just skim through their posts and hope someone is out there just like me.

Last night, while my dear husband was snoring away, I found this article.
The Disgrace of Infertility , Nate Pyle, my love, no truer words have been spoken. You are truly a gift to your wife to understand the heartbreak that she goes through.

I curled up in bed and bawled my eyes out. This article is just what I go through every. single. month. I'm thankful that I have someone like R, who just holds me and repeatedly tells me that he is happy and I haven't ruined his life. Because, you see, this is my purpose in life. I am a WOMAN. My body was made for making babies. That is it's job. That is what God made women to do. To grow babies, at their discretion. My body has failed me and at times I feel like my purpose is unknown.

Infertility is a bitch.

But it won't stop us from trying again next month with the same hope that we held on to this month. 

Welcome to the world, Emerson Layne

I have a brand new niece! She is just a doll. Life size! Ha! Sadie graced me with another little to love on January 8. The night before she went into the hospital I had a dream that she delivered and the baby was 9.2 pounds. I came in telling her and J and they were like, "God, I hope not!".

A couple hours later, there she was in all her glory! How much did she weigh? Just a mere 9 pounds 3 ounces! Talk about crazy! Isabella and Adam all have been under 8, respectfully.

Waiting on a picture of their new sister and cousin, Emerson Layne.

C'mon R! Get it together! 1,2,3 CHEESE! 

Sisters are the best!

Happy New Year! 2014

Happy New Year!

2013 has been a great year for us. We have watched our little guy grow into this big boy with such a need to do things all by himself. He is stubborn, feisty, friendly, loving, and such a snuggler. He gives the BEST kisses too. Especially if you aren't prejudice to open mouth kisses. He's simply the best thing in both of our lives.

We sold our first home together. It was always supposed to be a starter home and we planned only being there for 5 years tops. We made it to 6.5, no biggie!

We bought our second home which we plan to be in for the long haul. We love this place and can't wait to start making our mark on it. But we're happy just as it is.

We have had two unsuccessful rounds on Clomid and are beginning our third round in hopes this is our round. Endless optimist, we are. It's been a rough end of the year for me particularly. It's hard to relax and know that even though you aren't where you thought you would be, that where you are is just where you are supposed to be. I'm working on my self acceptance.

2014 is beginning gloriously! We celebrate our 5 year anniversary at the end of the month and we are blissfully happy! Every fight/argument makes us stronger.

2014 will be a rather eventless year in our eyes. We have nothing planned but to wait and see what God has in store for us. Of course we will continue our trying to conceive journey in hopes that we will add another addition to our family.

Besides that we plan to spend more time with family and friends and enjoy the life we do have. I love the new year. It's a new beginning. Forget about the old and look forward to the new! 

New Year's Eve

New Year's Eve was very low key this year. We had my family over for Gringo's and champs. We watched football because of the guys and then about 9 turned it on the NYE shows. I think my family left at 11 but it was midnight in New York so that counts!

We ate, we drank, we watched the littles dance the night away, and we popped confetti poppers and sprayed silly string on each other. It was a fun night and we all didn't have drive a million miles away. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Christmas 2013!

Walker surely was a good boy this year! He racked up on the gifts but never forgot the true meaning of Christmas. We sang Happy Birthday to Jesus and then opened presents.

He couldn't care less about opening his gifts when he attacked that kitchen. He loves that thing. I have a lot of videos on him on Christmas morning but not a lot of pictures. Live and you learn.