Let's get some things straight

First off, Walker will be with us for a very long time. He is going to live. I feel like some of the responses on Facebook that I'm receiving, people think that Walker won't be here for long.

Right now Walker's lungs don't look too good. He has chronic lung disease. What that is, is that Walker has scar tissue on his lungs. This is very common in preemies. Walker shouldn't be doing the things that he is doing at the moment. He can outgrow this when his lungs start growing. Give him time. R and I fully intend to have Walker come home with oxygen. If he doesn't, it's a blessing. If he does, it's not the end of the world.

Long term effects of this is that he could have asthma. He is susceptible to diseases such as RSV and also respiratory problems.

Things that we will do to try to prevent these from happening are: not using cleaners with strong fumes, no perfume or cologne, keeping him from large groups of people, and small kids. No one who feels like they are coming down or just getting over something will be allowed to visit. We'll be very strict about who can see him, hold him, or interact with him for some time. If this was your child, you would do the same. So, please, don't get your feelings hurt. When Walker leaves the NICU it will be such a glorious day and we will be devastated to bring him back because of him coming into contact with something that we could've prevented.

We also will be removing the carpet from the bedrooms. We started to save up for other things that we would want/need for Walker months ago but right now we don't want to touch our savings, just in case. We're going to wait a little longer to do this. Since matching the laminate floors would be too hard, we will have to redo the floors in the entire house. This has less to do about cosmetic work for the house and more to do with Walker's needs for clean air.

Also, please be ready to take your shoes off when you enter the house. I'm training R in this right now. Actually, I've been training R since we moved into the house but he has yet to accomplish this task. I don't understand why people wear shoes in their rooms anyways. Right now he's doing good with not wearing his shoes in Walker's room, so we're making progress!

Since getting my degree, I knew that I wanted to be a working mom. When we found out I was pregnant in the summer, I was job hunting like a crazy woman! I never knew why I couldn't find a job, because, well, I know I'm a good teacher. TOOT! (that's me tooting my own horn). All this makes sense now. God knew that I would need to be there for Walker. There is absolutely NO WAY that Walker could be put in daycare, NO WAY! I thought by me having a career that I would be able to give Walker everything he could possibly want and need, but staying home with him will benefit him in the long run. The bigger house, newer car and even the Kate Spade sale emails that I feel like are special letters just for me, have become irrelevant. Hell, even making my registry I just look at everything as junk. Our main goal is getting Walker healthy and strong. It's our only main focus.  
I told R in the hospital that we would probably lose friends because all of our time would be spent with Walker. And then I started to really think about it and if we do, then they aren't really our friends anyways.

Walker is going to be the person that God has intended him to be.

Don't feel sorry for us. God chose us to be Walker's parents. He chose us because we have enough love in our hearts, as well as patience, to overcome all these obstacles in the beginning. We can't wait to see what else is in store for Walker. He is such a strong baby and he is going to grow up to be an even stronger man. He will do great things in this world.

This is just the beginning for our sweet Walker.  

My Daily Life as a Preemie Mom

The life of a preemie mom is similar to that of a full term mom. The only difference being, obviously, that our baby is in the NICU. Since R went back to work after being off a full week with us, I've had to set up a routine just for me to follow. As time goes on and Walker grows bigger, my routine will be more hours at the hospital for one-on-one time and more hands on stuff.

My Daily Routine

1 a.m.- First pump of the new day. Sometimes, I'm not going to lie, I sleep through this pump session. I need my sleep to function properly and produce the good stuff for Walker.

4 a.m.- Probably the best pump of the day. I wake up and pump and get to spend our typical morning time with R. I'm hoping that when Walker does come home, that he enjoys it also. I love my mornings with my husband and I wouldn't trade it for the world. Even if Walker doesn't like it at least it will be our given alone time with one another. We eat breakfast and just enjoy spending time together.

7 a.m. - Pump session #3 of the day. By this time I've stayed awake for 3 hours and the tiredness is starting to set in. I usually pump and head back to bed.

10 a.m.- Pump again and get ready to go see Walker. I stay until around 12:30 and then make the commute home to pump again. I can pump at the hospital but Walker knows when we are there and becomes active. I leave to ensure that he gets rest. Don't forget he is a newborn and even though he is a preemie, he needs just as much sleep as a full term baby.

1 p.m.- Pump. and take a nap. This session is typically the session where I get the least amount of milk because I'm so tired by now.

4 p.m.- Pump. Pick up around the house and wait for R to get home. When he does get home, we eat dinner and watch TV since the NICU is closed for rotation from 6:15-8. We take our showers and get ready for bed.

7 p.m.- Pump and head towards the hospital. We like to get there at 8 and spend our little family time just the three of us. R misses Walker so much during the day that we are requesting that guests wait until the weekend to come see Walker during this time slot. R likes it to be just the three of us and I can respect that.

10 p.m.- Pump and go to bed with R. It's hard now that I have this pump session so late and we are used to going to bed together every night. He stays up with me and I know it's starting to wear on him. We go to bed and I do it all over again in the morning.

We count down the days until Thursday. R works four 10 hour shifts and everything after that is overtime. Thursday night, Friday and Saturday we are there around the clock. Sunday we grocery shop and make our meals for the week. This week is turkey sandwiches with havarti cheese and spaghetti for dinner. 

I like to think of our outlook in a few ways:

Outlook #1:
Right now Walker's little body shouldn't be doing the things that it is doing. He is fighting so hard and the more rest he gets the better. I feel guilty about not spending every waking minute by his bed side but it's not healthy for either of us. I need to take care of myself so I can be there every day and keep up with my milk supply.

Outlook #2:
I view the NICU right now as my womb. Instead of R and I always wondering what's going on every second of my pregnancy, we now get to watch the last stages of development that would occur in the womb.

Outlook #3:
Walker is here. He's a blessing. He is thriving!

My vices: coffee (Starbucks when I need that extra caramel) and Chick Fil A. 

Days 5-9

Day 5: November 2, 2011-Walker had a really good day! Day 5 was pretty hard on me as a Momma. It's very hard to watch this little baby fighting so hard to live while we selfishly walk around aimlessly. So Day 6 made R and I very happy. His light was turned off because his jaundice had gone down. I got to change his diaper, Nurse Stacie gave Walker a bath but he hated it so we stopped. He also was weighed and only lost 3 ounces. He was 1 lb 14 oz at birth and was 1 lb 11 oz at his first weigh in. So proud of our boy! He's holding on to everything he has! He is such a fighter!

Day 6: November 3, 2011- Today was such a good day for Walker. R went back to work and I was alone with my boy for the first time. We received the results from him head ultrasound and he had no signs of bleeding in his brain! Praise GOD! This was the major milestone that we needed to get past and we did it. We will have more ultrasounds to check to make sure later on down the line.

Day 8: November 4, 2011- We learned the results of my placenta that Dr. Milner sent in to run tests on. All the nurse practitioner could tell me was that Dr. Milner sent over a copy of the results and that I had a severe infection that was making my placenta inflamed. Thankfully my body kicked into gear and got Walker out before something else could happen. We learn this day that if my body didn't go into preterm labor that our sweet boy would've died in the womb. That's a hard pill for me to swallow. All my blood tests, swabs and exams always came back with a clean bill of health so this is all news to me. I'll be calling Dr. Milner to figure out more. I deal with guilt that I might have done something wrong but honestly, I can't think of anything that I did. I left that night so sad that I could've caused my boy to come early and all the complications that go along with that. God had another plan for Walker and he is such a blessing.

Day 8: November 5, 2011- Walker's jaundice went down so he had his light turned off. We talked with one of his doctors today and he said that the ECHO shows that the PDA is improving. They will keep watching it and making sure that it doesn't open back up, but it can and we'll treat it with another round of Indocin. He has been laying on his side and I think that's how he was inside of me. It's sad because I don't remember being pregnant or feeling him. Breaks my heart. I'm so ready for him to be all better but I know it's a slow process. Dr. Patel said we would start feeding sometime next week. I'm so excited, I know our boy will do well with feeding. I've been pumping like crazy because it's what is best for Walker. This night was hard for R. Walker was fighting going to sleep and he was crying a lot. Yes, he cries. No, we can't hear him because the tube in his mouth. We know he's crying because the face that he makes and his eyes turn red and get misty. It's the saddest thing in the world. When he cries we cup his head or place our hands on his stomach. He calms down. Before we left we covered his bed with his blanket and I peeked in a couple of times and his eyes were closed. He's the best thing in this world. Tonight they took his beanie all the way off and we got to see all of him. He's simply beautiful. His skin is looking really good and his hair is beautiful. I can't wait to hold him. Walker had his Aunt Jessie and Uncle Louie visit him today. Remember that sock monkey from the previous post? Yeah, well, tonight we were able to put it in his bed and it freaked him out! We decided never to put that back in.
* R forgot my phone at home and when we arrived our sweet boy was picture ready. We were both upset. Walker's social security card was mailed today!

Day 9: November 6, 2011- Walker had 2 lines taken out of his belly button today. He had an arterial and PICC line placed in his left leg and left arm. He looks like he has a broken wing and splint on his leg. I hate Sundays. They are horrible, horrible days. We leave the hospital early so that we can get some rest and recharge for the week. R will return back to his normal schedule and this week I will be starting a new routine myself. Leaving my baby so I can get some rest is hard and I feel very selfish. Walker is exhausted tonight from being poked and prodded and needs his rest too. My sweet boy has been here with us for 10 days and I'm just wishing things would be easier on all of us. I have to keep telling myself that this is what he needs to be able to come home with us in a couple of months. An exciting milestone to look forward to is that he will start breast milk this week. We are praying that he takes to feeding well but since his digestive system and tummy aren't fully developed, it could take time. The sooner he gains some weight the better things will be.

Walker's Life, Birth through Day 4

So I'm behind and this is the easiest way to update without flooding Facebook. I understand that people don't like updates about certain issues or seeing pictures of babies with wires and tubes makes them uncomfortable. Plus, this is Walker's story from the beginning.

Birthday: October 28, 2011- Walker was born! His APGAR scores were 8-9. He had a respirator but was not needing any extra oxygen to help him breathe.

Day 1: October 29, 2011- He continued to do well and was responding to everything. Doctors and nurses were surprised at how well he was doing.

Just lounging around

Day 2: October 30, 2011- His blood count started to go down and they were thinking that today was going to be the day that he would need a blood transfusion. Blood transfusions are common in preemies and we expect Walker to have more before he comes home. He had started to take more deep breaths on his own and they played with the pressure of oxygen. We were discharged from the hospital and it was so very hard to say goodbye to my baby.

He moves so much.

Nurse Stacie made Walker this sign.

Day 3: October 31, 2011- This was a really rough day for me. They said they thought he had a PDA, heart murmur, and went over the procedures to get it solved and even talked about the worst case scenario. My emotions got the best of me and I lost it at his bed side. The PDA was causing pressure on his lungs which they had to increase the oxygen pressure. They also put Walker on blood pressure medicine because it was too low, again, very common in preemies.  This was the night that I got to hold Walker's hand. I went home this night and slept easier. It took 4 days for our boy to take his first step backwards and we were thanking God for giving him strength to stay strong long for so long.

We bought this sock monkey to put in his incubator later on. Walker is about the same size but a little longer.

Day 4: November 1,2011- This day was going to be busy for Walker so we planned to give him his rest and take some time away from the hospital. Day 5 is a big day. The doctors like to keep preemies still for 5 complete days before doing anything to them. They have done research and found that it causes less bleeding in the brain. Walker had an ECHO of his PDA and it turned out to be moderate. They decided they would order the medicine and start later on. We went home and let him rest because after 1 they were going to take off his eye patches, ear phones, and pull his beanie down. When we came back, Walker's nurse was smiling and said "Go look at your baby now!". I cried my eyes out seeing how beautiful my boy was. It was like giving birth all over again. Such a special moment. R and I were in ah of our angel baby. 

Walker with everything removed. I love his face and stare at this picture until I fall asleep at night. Love my little guy!

Walker's Daddy bought me this. He is so good to me and Walker.

We are currently on day 6 and I will blog later after a full day has passed. 

Stay tuned!

Walker Williams Emery

Where do I begin?

Last Wednesday, exactly a week from this post, I made an emergency appointment with my OB to come in for some bloody discharge that I was concerned about. On the way to his office, I was experiencing some twitches of pain in my pelvic region but I've always thought that Walker was sitting low. The pain was nothing. I just thought my sweet boy was moving around like crazy.  I went and had an exam. He couldn't find anything that alarmed him and said that everything seemed fine. He told me that we don't want the baby to come right now because he needs more time to bake and development. So he put me on pelvic rest until what I thought were Braxton Hicks contractions subsided. On the way home the pains were increased but nothing that I couldn't deal with. Plus, I thought it was because he checked my cervix, which comes with a little discomfort.

I had called R and told him about the appointment and my poor sweet husband was a mess. He was worried like crazy and the worrying didn't stop even after the appointment. I came home and sat down on the couch when I got home and the pain started to bother me at this point. I was bleeding but thought it was from the exam. By this time R was home and he started a bath for me. The pains were coming and going but more irritating than anything. We hung around the house and laid in bed watching TV. I should say that the pains were making it hard for me to get out of bed so we were laying horizontally.

R went to bed and I decided to take a PM to relax myself and go to bed. I went to sleep at about 10:30 and at 11:55 p.m. I woken up from the pains. I should say that I really thought these were Braxton Hicks and I text my sister saying, "I can't believe I thought I could do a med free birth, this things hurt like a bitch!".

I went from hot showers, back to bed, to hot baths and back to bed. I remember timing the pains starting at 1:17 to 1:51. I had 12 pains within that 34 minutes. I googled Braxton Hicks and realized that what I was experiencing was NOT Braxton Hicks. At around 2 a.m. I called Labor & Delivery and discussed my symptoms. I never wanted to be THAT pregnant woman who called about every little thing. She couldn't really tell me much but suggested I call my doctor, who was already on call for the night. I kept reading about Braxton Hicks and they said to eat or drink something. I looked around the house and nothing was appealing to me. I woke R up and told him I needed a cheeseburger and a Gatorade. That man popped up and went along with it.

While he was out, most likely thinking that I was just being really pregnant, the pains were starting to get to the point of no relief. I was pacing back and forth in the living room and at one time I was in the room and fell on the bed with my stomach down and my hips swaying back and forth. This was the only comfortable position. He arrived with the cheeseburger and Gatorade and the taste was horrible. I took a couple of bites, stood up and said, "I'm going to call my Mom and tell her to call Dr. Milner. I think we're going to the hospital".

Dr. Milner demanded I get to L&D. I told my Mom I wanted to take one last bath and she was yelling in the phone to get to the hospital. When we arrived in triage they couldn't pick up my contractions on the monitor and a charge nurse had to pull my uterus up from the outside of my stomach to feel them. She checked me and said that I was 2, in which I replied, "2 what?". I had dilated 2 cm and she could feel his head rolling around. R started crying when she walked out and was scared to death. I was admitted shortly and hooked up to monitors. I had a catheter, IV's, antibiotics, steroids to help his lungs,shots and pills. All were trying to stop Walker from arriving too soon.

Dr. Milner arrived around 7 and checked me, I was at 4 cm.  He took a guess and said that he thought Walker would be here by noon. We called everyone and all of our family rallied around us. At one moment, R and I were alone in the room and we just cried. We told each other that we needed this moment just between us and to get it all out because we needed to be strong for our boy.

Noon came and went and I was still having contractions. Dr. Milner checked me during his lunch break and I was still at a 4. He suggested getting an epidural because it could help slow things down and if he was coming, I wouldn't need to be a full 10 cm to deliver. I broke down and started crying. I have always said that I didn't want an epidural because of the side effects. I know my body and know how it would work. But I did it anyways and things did seem to slow down. The next goal was to make it to 6 p.m. so I could get the second steroid shot that would help his lungs. Dr. Milner came back after 6 to check me and everything had stayed the same. He was optimistic that we had stopped things for now and we would reassess in the morning. I got to eat, another pill to stop the contractions and two Ambien to rest.

At 4 a.m. on Friday, October 28th, I woke up and told my nurse I thought I was leaking. I had a high leak which means that my water had broke but wasn't completely broken. He was definitely coming some time that day.

A lot of this becomes hazy to me now. I do know that there was a complication with my epidural before delivery that made me go crazy. I couldn't move, talk, hear or throw up properly. Everything and everyone was blending together and I honestly thought I was dying. I was looking in my husbands eyes and the rest of the world was disappearing. When my eyes closed the only thing I could see was my brother, when we lived on Cardinal, and the sound of his aluminum bat falling on the concrete by the front door, and him running away. The noise I will never forget. It was so loud and then it was time to push.

I couldn't feel anything. I couldn't even lift my upper body off to push, but when Dr. Milner said to push, I pushed with everything that I had. He said, "okay, half a push" and my sweet baby boy Walker Williams enter this world and let out a cry. I will never forget that moment. Everyone in the room doubted that he would cry and he let out this little itty bitty noise and then was placed on my stomach. He curled up in my hands and was just comfortable as ever. I only had him for a few seconds before the NICU team swept him away and did their thing. He let out another cry and everyone was crying in the room.

Walker Williams Emery was born on October 28, 2011 at 1:19 p.m. He weighed 1 pound and 14 ounces and 13 inches long. Everyone in the room was surprised when they announced the weight and more tears were shed.

When the lactation consultant came in after everything settled down I started to notice that my neck had so much pressure in it that I couldn't sit up straight. I thought my body was tired from birth but by the time they took me to postpartum, I really started to feel bad. I saw Walker Saturday morning before my doctor made his rounds and I told him about the neck pain. He sent an anesthesiologist to talk with me about spinal headaches caused by epidurals. Long story short, I had one. We tried to treat it conservatively with caffeine but there's a shortage and I couldn't get an IV. Did I mention that I also was put on bed rest and wasn't able to see my baby? Sunday came around and it didn't work. I had to have a blood patch procedure on Sunday afternoon, which I still hadn't seen my baby and then I was to lay flat.

Before we were discharged on Sunday night, I was able to see my baby. I made it out of the hospital parking lot before I broke down and started crying.

My birth story is not ideal or romantic or charming. It was hard on me mentally and only a little bit physically. Walker is the sweetest little boy in the world and he's so strong.

24 Weeks!

How far along? 24 weeks 3 days

Total weight gain/loss: 1 pound! I get grief about it all the time.

How Big is Baby?  He's over a pound, I'm sure.

Stretch marks?  I'm starting to have a "line" on each side of belly button. Maybe they'll turn into stretch marks. Only time will tell.

Sleep:  Sleep has been fantastic but I've also been taking Benadryl before bed.

Movement:  YES!  R has felt Walker move and he was so excited! 

Food cravings:  Nothing really pushing through this week.

Food aversions:  Depends on the day, I guess, and how I'm feeling.

Symptoms:  Vasospasms in my boobs and hurts like a you-know-what. Nausea is still around. 

Belly Button in or out?  It's in but getting shallow. 

What I am looking forward to:  Growing and growing and growing!

Weekly Wisdom:  I love being pregnant and can't wait to do it over and over, and possibly, over again! :) 

Weekly Joy: Being pregnant!

23 Weeks!

Weekly Check-In

How far along?

23 weeks 3 days. Baby is still the size of a papaya.

- Baby stays the size of fruits longer because he is growing SO much!

Maternity clothes?

Yes!

Sleep?
I have a routine.

Best moment this week?

Food cravings:

My food cravings change rapidly. These last couple of days I want sushi, chocolate cake with chocolate icing and spaghetti.

Gender:

He's a boy named Walker!

Belly button in or out? 

In and stretching.

Movement:
All the time

What I miss?

Pappasito's margaritas and red wine and Riesling!

What I'm looking forward to:

I look forward to every kick and wiggle from my little man! I love him so much already!

Milestones:

23 weeks?! Where is the time going?